"At times it may seem that our trials are focused on areas of our lives and parts of our souls with which we seem least able to cope. Since personal growth is an intended outcome of these challenges, it should come as no surprise that the trials can be very personal—almost laser guided to our particular needs or weaknesses. And no one is exempt, especially not Saints striving to do what’s right. Some obedient Saints may ask, “Why me? I’m trying to be good! Why is the Lord allowing this to happen?” The furnace of affliction helps purify even the very best of Saints by burning away the dross in their lives and leaving behind pure gold. Even very rich ore needs refining to remove impurities. Being good is not enough. We want to become like the Savior, who learned as He suffered “pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind."" - Paul V. Johnson of the Quorum of the Seventy
10 years ago, on December 12, 2002, I had brain surgery. I have what is called Chiari Malformation. Simply put, my brain stem is longer than it is supposed to be. This caused strange, severe headaches because of the crowding that occurs. To correct it they did what is called brain decompression surgery where they went in and shaved off part of my skull where the crowding was occurring to make room for my over-sized brain stem.
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| Morning after the surgery |
I was 15, and it was scary. Easily the biggest, most character defining trial of my youth.
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| My scar a couple weeks after surgery |
But I got through it. With lots of prayers and fasting by countless family members, friends, and myself, the surgery happened, I recovered fully, and I went on with my life a better person with a stronger testimony in the fullness of the Gospel because of this trial I had endured.
This past April, I started noticing strange headaches that were happening fairly regularly. Every few days, there was a rush of pain that would pulse for several seconds and then be gone. At first I thought nothing of it, but as the months progressed the headaches became more frequent and severe. Eventually it got to the point a couple months ago where there was a constant headache, on top of which the rushes of pain would happen dozens of times per day. Some days it was bearable. Others the constant headache would be bad enough that all I could do was lay down all day long. Then some days the constant headache would be endurable until I'd get hit with a rush of pain that would immediately have me clenching my head and in tears. Advil and Tylenol never did anything for the rushes of pain, but at first took the edge off the constant headache. However, eventually, whether because I built up a tolerance from taking so much so often or just that the pain got worse, those didn't help at all either. Finally, after Robert telling me several times to go get things checked out, we made an appointment with the doctor.
Mind you, the headaches didn't feel exactly the same as I remember them feeling 10 years ago. Similar, yes. Exactly the same, no. Also, when I got the surgery done before, we were told that it was a one and done type of deal and it should never bother me again. But all along it was my biggest fear that it would be the same stuff again, and I could not shake the feeling that that was exactly what it was. Up until this point, when I would think back to my surgery I would think about all of the lessons I learned from it. How much I had grown and matured from it, and all of the love that I was surrounded by that helped me through it all. But as the doctor's visits and tests began, it brought back all too clearly the terrifying moments. The uncertainty of what's wrong and what would happen next. The pain through it all and not knowing if it is going to get better. I prayed constantly that whatever it was, it would not be that.
A month of chiropractic appointments, 2 appointments with my primary doctor, an appointment with a neurologist, and an MRI later, we got these results from the MRI:
"In spite of previous decompression, there is abnormal relationship of the cerebellar tonsils and the upper cervical spinal cord, with crowding of tissue at the craniocervical junction. The anatomic structures may again be causing abnormal CSF flow dynamics at the foramen magnum thus recreating the patient's original symptoms"
In non-medical terms, it was exactly my worst fear. There still is not room enough to accommodate my over-sized brain stem, and in my neurologist's opinion, a redo surgery would be the next step. He would be referring me to a neurosurgeon to discuss my options.
I was crushed.
A million thoughts went through my head all at once. The main thought behind it all was, what did I do wrong or not endure well enough last time to have to do this again? Just as it was when I got the diagnosis 10 years ago, it was a day of much soul searching and prayer for direction and guidance. That night, while I was gushing to a friend about all of this I had a thought hit me...
"But if not..."
A few years ago after many personal prayers, I was struggling with an answer I had received that I was NOT supposed to serve a full-time mission for our church at that time in my life. As I often do when I feel lost, I had turned to the scriptures and randomly came across Daniel chapter 3. This is the chapter where Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego are thrown into the fiery furnace and saved by the power of God. When Nebuchadnezzar confronts them about not worshiping his golden image, and tells them that because of their refusal to do this they will be thrown into the furnace, they respond:
"If it be so, our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the burning fiery furnace, and he will deliver us out of thine hand, O king.
But if not, be it known unto thee, O king, that we will not serve thy gods, nor worship the golden image which thou hast set up."
This gave me a knew understanding of what true faith is. They not only had faith that God would answer their prayers and deliver them, but they also knew that if God chose not to save them, they would still continue to keep the commandments and serve Him, with the perfect knowledge that God had a plan for them. Heavenly Father does not always answer our prayers in the way we expect him to, but we must always hold faithful to the truth that he has a plan for us that always leads to eternal happiness.
I had prayed countless times that this would not be the same problem that my surgery ten years ago had supposedly fixed. With the recollection of this scripture, I took the better perspective that if it be His will, Heavenly Father would keep me from needing this surgery again, but if not I will once again strive to endure it well and become more like Him in ways that only trials can teach us.
We met with the neurosurgeon this morning. Basically, our only option is surgery. It's just a matter of which surgery it will be - a repeat or a different one where they will remove soft tissue instead of bone. We have to get further testing (a CT scan) before we'll discuss it further. I'm scheduled to get the scan tomorrow morning then we will meet again with the surgeon in a week to discuss the findings and hopefully schedule the surgery. Robert and I are hoping to get the surgery done while Robert is off for Christmas break, so in just a couple of weeks, but with each additional test or doctor appointment I feel like that's less and less a possibility and it will more likely happen after the first of the year. We'll just have to take it as it comes.
And that's where we stand right now. The waiting game continues. Prayers are always appreciated.
