Miscarriage

I lost two babies.

It was is awful.

A year ago last night was when I lost the first. I never knew I could be as sad as I was when I lost the first baby. The 2 months that followed were a couple of the most emotional months I've had in my life. Then we found out we were pregnant again. I thought that it was some kind of reward from Heavenly Father that we were able to get pregnant again so soon. The 2 months that followed after that were the most pregnant sick I've EVER been. They were miserable. Robert started staying home at least half the day everyday because I could not take care of the kids. But when I'd get in bed each night after agonizing through another awful day, I'd still think how thankful I was that I was able to be pregnant. This would all be worth it once I was able to finally hold another beautiful baby in my arms.

But that would never happen. At twelve weeks, October 27th, 4 months to the day after losing the first baby, I would be at my OB appointment and they would not be able to find a heartbeat. Two days later I went in for a D and C. It was not the ending I was supposed to have. As I got on the operating table, tears started to stream down my face. One of the nurses said there was no reason to be scared. I said, "I'm not scared. I'm just sad."

For the next few days, I didn't know what to feel. Unlike the first miscarriage, there was never any excessive bleeding or cramping. It was less physical pain, but also less closure which led to more emotional pain. One day I was pregnant. The next day I wasn't. It was hard to accept it as reality. I think the first emotions to set in were guilt, shame, and blaming myself for what had happened. Thoughts like, "Maybe if I were in healthier shape I wouldn't have lost the baby again." and "Robert sacrificed so much of his time taking care of me and the kids while I've been so sick the past 2 months, and now because of me it was all for nothing." or "Two in a row, there must be something wrong with me."

Soon that guilt turned to anger. I had to really turn inward and heavenward to find comfort and understanding. The saddest moment of the whole ordeal came from our sweet Lydia. Several days after we had told her what happened she came up to me in tears and said, "Mommy, I prayed every day that this baby wouldn't die like the first one. Did Heavenly Father not hear me?"

The inspiration I received from Heavenly Father right then in my answer to her not only calmed her, but was an answer to prayer that started the healing process of my own broken heart. I told her, "Heavenly Father heard you. He ALWAYS hears you. But he also knows that sometimes we need to go through hard things. We might not know the reason until we are in Heaven, but I know in Heaven we will be happy and all these hard things will be worth it. And I know that Heavenly Father loves us and is sad we have to be sad right now."

I've learned and grown this past year. I've gained a deeper testimony of the Atonement and the love of our Savior and Heavenly Father. My heart still hurts and yearns for those babies I've lost. When I hear of someone else experiencing a similar loss, that hurt is brought to the surface as if it happened yesterday, and I have a feeling that will never change. But in a strange way I'm thankful for that. I'm able to understand more, help more, and serve better those who are going through similar trials. This shows me again how important and special the Atonement is. Christ experienced this pain. This EXACT pain, and because of this he knows exactly what I need to heal and learn and become the person I am supposed to be.

We hope to be pregnant again very soon. I'm TERRIFIED. As much as I long to hold another baby in my arms, I'm scared of losing one again. But I know that Heavenly Father's plan is a Plan of Happiness. No matter what happens if I rely on Him, I will be happy and have peace in this life or the next.

Play Date?

Friend invites me to a play date Friday...

It's been a while since I've made it. I really should go. It's just tricky getting out of the house with my kids and my 3 extras.

Find out youngest extra isn't coming Friday.

Let's go to the play date!

Play date is at 11:30am. Need to get myself ready (AKA put on real pants and maybe mascara), pack lunches for everyone, get kids dressed and ready. Simple enough, right??

10:30 - I go to put real pants on. Tell kids to clean up the toys they are playing with because it is time to get ready to go.

10:50 - All five kids are in timeout. Toy room is even messier, and somehow I still don't have real pants on.

11:00 - Real pants are on. I start making lunches. All kids have been released from timeout. Dressed 3 are cleaning up toys. Lydia and Mary are sent to pick out clothes for themselves.

11:05 - Lydia comes in complaining that none of her clothes are pink enough. Sees that I'm making sandwiches. Throws a fit because I say Ramen is not a good food for a picnic lunch.

11:06 - Lydia is in timeout.

11:10 - Resume making lunches. Text friend that we might be late. Toy room is back to original point of messiness when the kids were first asked to clean. The rest will wait until we're back.

11:15 - Release Lydia from timeout. Convince Lydia that the play dress that has a pink skirt is sufficiently pink. Mary sees Lydia in that dress, wants to wear hers that matches instead of the clothes she's already changed into. She goes to change herself. Gets her head stuck in the arm hole.

11:25 - Finally finish lunches. Time to do girls' hair. Where's the spray bottle? Oh yeah, in the car. I go to get it. Notice we haven't put the 2 extra car seats back in since our trip this past weekend.

11:35 - Car seats are in the car.

11:45 - Girls' hair is done. "Okay kids. Time to get in the car."

11:47 - Lydia can only find one croc, wants to wear tennis shoes instead. Extra #1 can't find either shoe. Extra #2 put his own shoes on but on wrong feet and without socks. James wants to wear his monster slippers.

11:50 - Notice Extra #2 has a wet Pull-up. Change him.

11:55 - All kids' shoes are on. Begin putting kids in car. Get James out from under next door neighbor's truck. Force James in car seat. Tell James, "I'm sorry Mommy yelled, but Mommy is trying to keep you safe."

12:05 - Arrive at play date.

Spend the following 45 minutes having all three girls complaining that it is too hot to play, take 3 different kids to the bathroom, find James after he's disappeared 2 times. Change James's poopy diaper... twice. Say maybe 10 complete sentences over the course of this to the other Mommy friends at the play date. 

Decide it's time to go home. 

Where's my phone? I must have left it in the bathroom. 

Put 4 kids in the car. Tell Lydia to get in while I go to get my phone.

Go to get in the car. Lydia is not there. 

Search for Lydia. Find her hiding in the backyard because she doesn't want to leave because miraculously it's all the sudden not too hot to play.

Force Lydia to the car.

James has Houdini escaped out of his carseat, is sitting in the driver's seat, and has locked us out.

Luckily I've left the window rolled down a crack that my arm can fit through.

James closes window on my arm. 

Use Serious Mom Voice to get James to roll down window.

1:30 - Get home. Put youngest 2 down for nap. Older 3 down for "rest time." Eat a whole bowl of chocolate ice cream. Write blog post.

My comfort sanity keeper on days like today:

"In speaking of mothers generally, I especially wish to praise and encourage young mothers. The work of a mother is hard, too often unheralded work... But with night feedings and night teethings, often the greatest challenge of all for a young mother is simply fatigue...

Do the best you can through these years, but whatever else you do, cherish that role that is so uniquely yours and for which heaven itself sends angels to watch over you and your little ones... Remember, “To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven.”... Mothers, we acknowledge and esteem your faith in every footstep. Please know that it is worth it then, now, and forever... 
Rely on Him. Rely on Him heavily. Rely on Him forever. And “press forward with a steadfastness in Christ, having a perfect brightness of hope.” You are doing God’s work. You are doing it wonderfully well. He is blessing you and He will bless you, even—no, especially—when your days and your nights may be the most challenging." - Elder Jeffrey R. Holland

Well, that and more ice cream.