You're lost. A dark cloud is constantly threatening to strangle you into a feeling of complete worthlessness. You're a horrible friend, a boring person, a bad mom, and don't deserve your husband. As hard as you try you feel you're failing in every aspect of your life. You're exhausted despite getting 8-10+ hours of sleep every day, or there's 2-3 day stretches where insomnia keeps you from sleeping at all. You're starving even though you're always eating. All insecurities and anxieties you've ever had seem to have multiplied and intensified tenfold. You go to social gatherings or church and are sobbing by the time you get home because how awkward you feel you were. So next time you stay home from a gathering and sob because you're a loser that's let your friends or family down. Since adding a new baby to the family you feel overwhelmed, but it's more than that. You feel incapable, like you don't have the ability to meet the needs and demands asked of you even though you've stepped down from as many responsibilities as possible.
Sometimes you're able to keep these thoughts and feelings at bay. They're always there, but you're able to conceal it and put up a positive front. And you feel you must conceal it because it's weakness and you feel ashamed of that weakness and all these feelings that are a result of it. Besides no one has time for you. Even if they did why would they listen to YOU. Then there are the other times when you're sent into a downward spiral, triggered by something major, like financial hardship, or very minor, like a one word off-the-cuff comment from a family member or an overcooked meal. No matter the trigger, down you spiral, feeling guilty you are having any of these feelings which only makes you spiral faster. Down so far that you think everyone - your friends, family, children, and husband - would be better off if you just went away and didn't come back. All the while there is a little voice in your head telling you to stop it!
BUT YOU JUST CAN'T!
You're broken.
You're broken.
For me, this has been my past 8 months.
This is postpartum depression.
I didn't realize that that's what it was until a few weeks ago. July 5th to be exact. I was at the bottom of what seems to be my worst and longest spiral so far possibly triggered by our car and financial troubles, and was falling to pieces over the littlest things. I had stayed up most of the night sobbing and fighting this internal struggle to not just leave. Walk in the dead of night straight into the forest, and keep walking until noone could find me. I thought by that morning I had a sensible grasp on things again. "Buck up, get over it, and move on," I would think to myself. Then I was telling Robert the millions of thoughts that were floating in my head of what to do for Singing Time at church the next day and that I was having a hard time focusing on any of them because they all sounded lame or boring. Robert said, "Maybe you should just do something really simple?" A harmless comment, but it sent me reeling and I immediately lashed out at Robert.
"I'm doing the best I can! Why would you say that?" I spat back at him. And my thoughts raced: I've lost my creative fire. I know! I'm an awful chorister and can't remember the last time I did a good job. Robert should just take over my calling, at least for this Sunday. Maybe for forever. He would do a better job than me. ANYONE could do a better job than me. I should ask to be released, but what would be the point of that. I'd be even worse at any other calling...
Then I stopped, looked at Robert, and just sobbed. I was sitting on the ground and he sat on the couch behind me and hugged me for a minute before I sobbed out, "What is wrong with me? I'm Heidi! I'm a confident, talented, and positive person. So why does EVERYTHING make me feel like this??" And with nothing but love and empathy in his voice Robert said, "Heidi, I think you have depression."
My first instinct was to lash defensively back, but after not even 2 seconds processing the thought I responded, "That's EXACTLY what this is, and it started right after James was born. This is postpartum depression!" I didn't deal with this after either of my girls, so it wasn't even on my radar and up until this point I had chalked my feelings up to just being overwhelmed at the jump to 3 kids since EVERYONE warns that that's the hardest jump. But this is much more than just being overwhelmed. You're self-worth and reasoning to try to be happy is gone!
So what now? Now that we've identified it as what it is it makes it easier to deal with, because I'm not just a horrible person that's going crazy. This is something we can work on fixing. I've opened up to my mom, Robert's mom, a couple friends, an aunt, and a sister about it. That alone has made all the difference. Talking about it and not keeping it bottled up all of the time until I explode. I've also been using some essential oils, mainly frankincense and some citrus blends, and doing yoga (I never thought I'd see the day that I'd be trying yoga regularly) which I think is giving me an extra boost. To take a little stress out of my day I've weaned James off his pumped breast milk bottles and onto formula. This is bittersweet, but it needed to be done. You might remember I was exclusively pumping and feeding James from bottles because of his tongue tie. I think no matter the circumstance, when you stop breastfeeding you'll always experience a bit of sadness from the loss of that connection.
I have not seen my doctor, and as long as I continue to improve I don't plan to. It is my hope that with everything I'm doing and working on now, as well as my hormones hopefully getting closer to being back in check with the return of my cycle since I've stopped pumping, that this will be behind us before too long. But for now we are taking it a day at a time.
So why write this post? Honestly, I don't really know. I just was feeling the pressing need to do so. Maybe it's just a concrete way for me to get my thoughts out and reflect on them. Maybe it's so that I can with detail recall this time in the future when my daughters are struggling with the same thing. Maybe it's to publicly post it to help someone random. If that's the case, I'm not quite ready to post this for the world to see. Maybe soon, maybe not. If that's what needs to be done, it'll happen when it happens.
The title of this post references a talk by Elder Jeffrey R. Holland of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints given less than a year ago during the October 2013 General Conference. When first talking about this depression to my mom, she recommended I read the talk through again. I love the following paragraph in it:
"So how do you best respond when mental or emotional challenges confront you or those you love? Above all, never lose faith in your Father in Heaven, who loves you more than you can comprehend. As President Monson said to the Relief Society sisters so movingly last Saturday evening: “That love never changes. … It is there for you when you are sad or happy, discouraged or hopeful. God’s love is there for you whether or not you feel you deserve [it]. It is simply always there.” Never, ever doubt that, and never harden your heart. Faithfully pursue the time-tested devotional practices that bring the Spirit of the Lord into your life. Seek the counsel of those who hold keys for your spiritual well-being. Ask for and cherish priesthood blessings. Take the sacrament every week, and hold fast to the perfecting promises of the Atonement of Jesus Christ. Believe in miracles. I have seen so many of them come when every other indication would say that hope was lost. Hope is never lost. If those miracles do not come soon or fully or seemingly at all, remember the Savior’s own anguished example: if the bitter cup does not pass, drink it and be strong, trusting in happier days ahead."
I am striving to remember God's love and believe in miracles and hold on to the hope that with faith I will regain control and return, however slowly, to my positive self once again. Time and time again the Lord has seen me through my trials. He will not leave me comfortless!
And now after a little further contemplation I feel I need to post this today. So maybe somebody out there needs to hear this, I don't know. If you struggle with some of these same feelings (and PPD effects everyone differently so it may not be exactly the same for you), please talk to someone - your mom, other moms, friends, your doctor, a support group, anyone. It made a world of difference for me, maybe it will for you too.
Please don't look at this post as a desperate cry for help from me. I'm already doing much better, and I've got an amazing support system behind me, and even if I didn't I will ALWAYS have God's love. And you do too! We are so blessed!
Please don't look at this post as a desperate cry for help from me. I'm already doing much better, and I've got an amazing support system behind me, and even if I didn't I will ALWAYS have God's love. And you do too! We are so blessed!
