James Was Missing

We lost James for almost 30 minutes yesterday. It was the end of the Freedom Festival Parade. James had been terrified through the whole parade of all the loud sounds and huge balloons. So he had been on my lap. When the parade finished I set him down, turned to fold up my chair, turned back, and he was gone. We had 2 friends with us, Kaci and Aaron, so they and Robert split up and started searching while I stayed with Lydia and Mary. I said a quick prayer with the girls. After several minutes they all came back empty handed, so Kaci stayed with the girls, I gave my phone to Robert so he could show the picture below that I'd taken of James earlier that morning to the police, and me, Robert, and Aaron split up again to continue searching.

At first the roads had been blocked off because of the parade so we had the comfort of "at least there is no traffic." But eventually they opened back up and we were facing a mass exodus of people AND cars. The "what ifs" were becoming more and more tragic in my mind. I was yelling his name over and over as I searched down the street. Every other time I yelled, someone would stop me and say, "Oh no! Have you lost a kid. How old? What was he wearing?..." and they'd join the search. (Side note: EVERY 2ish year old boy was dressed in a blue shirt and red white and blue plaid shorts. Next year, James will be in something NEON) Each time I'd have to describe him again it got harder to remain calm. My voice would break more, and the tears would start to leak more. I was scared.

I finally turned back to regroup and see if the others had found him. When Robert caught sight of me he ran towards me giving me a thumbs up. My knees buckled from relief, and I nearly collapsed on the spot. Any of the anxieties and emotions I had managed to keep at bay unleashed and I sobbed freely for a solid minute into Robert's shoulder.

Aaron had found him playing happily on an apartment porch down one of the side streets. No fear of being away from us or any idea that he had given us such a scare. I swear! If this kid survives until adulthood in one piece or without giving me a heart attack, it will be nothing short of a miracle! 

Robert said later that this was probably the worst ordeal we had had so far of losing a kid. At first I disagreed referring to a time when I lost Lydia in Target, but I take it back. The massive crowd and eventual car traffic made this the WORST! I'm beyond grateful that it ended with us finding him and not with one of the hundreds of horrible scenarios that had been playing in my mind. We said a prayer as a family on the way home thanking Heavenly Father for keeping James safe and helping in quickly reuniting him with us.

Oh my sweet Baby James, you're a stinker! 

Miscarriage

I lost two babies.

It was is awful.

A year ago last night was when I lost the first. I never knew I could be as sad as I was when I lost the first baby. The 2 months that followed were a couple of the most emotional months I've had in my life. Then we found out we were pregnant again. I thought that it was some kind of reward from Heavenly Father that we were able to get pregnant again so soon. The 2 months that followed after that were the most pregnant sick I've EVER been. They were miserable. Robert started staying home at least half the day everyday because I could not take care of the kids. But when I'd get in bed each night after agonizing through another awful day, I'd still think how thankful I was that I was able to be pregnant. This would all be worth it once I was able to finally hold another beautiful baby in my arms.

But that would never happen. At twelve weeks, October 27th, 4 months to the day after losing the first baby, I would be at my OB appointment and they would not be able to find a heartbeat. Two days later I went in for a D and C. It was not the ending I was supposed to have. As I got on the operating table, tears started to stream down my face. One of the nurses said there was no reason to be scared. I said, "I'm not scared. I'm just sad."

For the next few days, I didn't know what to feel. Unlike the first miscarriage, there was never any excessive bleeding or cramping. It was less physical pain, but also less closure which led to more emotional pain. One day I was pregnant. The next day I wasn't. It was hard to accept it as reality. I think the first emotions to set in were guilt, shame, and blaming myself for what had happened. Thoughts like, "Maybe if I were in healthier shape I wouldn't have lost the baby again." and "Robert sacrificed so much of his time taking care of me and the kids while I've been so sick the past 2 months, and now because of me it was all for nothing." or "Two in a row, there must be something wrong with me."

Soon that guilt turned to anger. I had to really turn inward and heavenward to find comfort and understanding. The saddest moment of the whole ordeal came from our sweet Lydia. Several days after we had told her what happened she came up to me in tears and said, "Mommy, I prayed every day that this baby wouldn't die like the first one. Did Heavenly Father not hear me?"

The inspiration I received from Heavenly Father right then in my answer to her not only calmed her, but was an answer to prayer that started the healing process of my own broken heart. I told her, "Heavenly Father heard you. He ALWAYS hears you. But he also knows that sometimes we need to go through hard things. We might not know the reason until we are in Heaven, but I know in Heaven we will be happy and all these hard things will be worth it. And I know that Heavenly Father loves us and is sad we have to be sad right now."

I've learned and grown this past year. I've gained a deeper testimony of the Atonement and the love of our Savior and Heavenly Father. My heart still hurts and yearns for those babies I've lost. When I hear of someone else experiencing a similar loss, that hurt is brought to the surface as if it happened yesterday, and I have a feeling that will never change. But in a strange way I'm thankful for that. I'm able to understand more, help more, and serve better those who are going through similar trials. This shows me again how important and special the Atonement is. Christ experienced this pain. This EXACT pain, and because of this he knows exactly what I need to heal and learn and become the person I am supposed to be.

We hope to be pregnant again very soon. I'm TERRIFIED. As much as I long to hold another baby in my arms, I'm scared of losing one again. But I know that Heavenly Father's plan is a Plan of Happiness. No matter what happens if I rely on Him, I will be happy and have peace in this life or the next.

Play Date?

Friend invites me to a play date Friday...

It's been a while since I've made it. I really should go. It's just tricky getting out of the house with my kids and my 3 extras.

Find out youngest extra isn't coming Friday.

Let's go to the play date!

Play date is at 11:30am. Need to get myself ready (AKA put on real pants and maybe mascara), pack lunches for everyone, get kids dressed and ready. Simple enough, right??

10:30 - I go to put real pants on. Tell kids to clean up the toys they are playing with because it is time to get ready to go.

10:50 - All five kids are in timeout. Toy room is even messier, and somehow I still don't have real pants on.

11:00 - Real pants are on. I start making lunches. All kids have been released from timeout. Dressed 3 are cleaning up toys. Lydia and Mary are sent to pick out clothes for themselves.

11:05 - Lydia comes in complaining that none of her clothes are pink enough. Sees that I'm making sandwiches. Throws a fit because I say Ramen is not a good food for a picnic lunch.

11:06 - Lydia is in timeout.

11:10 - Resume making lunches. Text friend that we might be late. Toy room is back to original point of messiness when the kids were first asked to clean. The rest will wait until we're back.

11:15 - Release Lydia from timeout. Convince Lydia that the play dress that has a pink skirt is sufficiently pink. Mary sees Lydia in that dress, wants to wear hers that matches instead of the clothes she's already changed into. She goes to change herself. Gets her head stuck in the arm hole.

11:25 - Finally finish lunches. Time to do girls' hair. Where's the spray bottle? Oh yeah, in the car. I go to get it. Notice we haven't put the 2 extra car seats back in since our trip this past weekend.

11:35 - Car seats are in the car.

11:45 - Girls' hair is done. "Okay kids. Time to get in the car."

11:47 - Lydia can only find one croc, wants to wear tennis shoes instead. Extra #1 can't find either shoe. Extra #2 put his own shoes on but on wrong feet and without socks. James wants to wear his monster slippers.

11:50 - Notice Extra #2 has a wet Pull-up. Change him.

11:55 - All kids' shoes are on. Begin putting kids in car. Get James out from under next door neighbor's truck. Force James in car seat. Tell James, "I'm sorry Mommy yelled, but Mommy is trying to keep you safe."

12:05 - Arrive at play date.

Spend the following 45 minutes having all three girls complaining that it is too hot to play, take 3 different kids to the bathroom, find James after he's disappeared 2 times. Change James's poopy diaper... twice. Say maybe 10 complete sentences over the course of this to the other Mommy friends at the play date. 

Decide it's time to go home. 

Where's my phone? I must have left it in the bathroom. 

Put 4 kids in the car. Tell Lydia to get in while I go to get my phone.

Go to get in the car. Lydia is not there. 

Search for Lydia. Find her hiding in the backyard because she doesn't want to leave because miraculously it's all the sudden not too hot to play.

Force Lydia to the car.

James has Houdini escaped out of his carseat, is sitting in the driver's seat, and has locked us out.

Luckily I've left the window rolled down a crack that my arm can fit through.

James closes window on my arm. 

Use Serious Mom Voice to get James to roll down window.

1:30 - Get home. Put youngest 2 down for nap. Older 3 down for "rest time." Eat a whole bowl of chocolate ice cream. Write blog post.

My comfort sanity keeper on days like today:

"In speaking of mothers generally, I especially wish to praise and encourage young mothers. The work of a mother is hard, too often unheralded work... But with night feedings and night teethings, often the greatest challenge of all for a young mother is simply fatigue...

Do the best you can through these years, but whatever else you do, cherish that role that is so uniquely yours and for which heaven itself sends angels to watch over you and your little ones... Remember, “To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven.”... Mothers, we acknowledge and esteem your faith in every footstep. Please know that it is worth it then, now, and forever... 
Rely on Him. Rely on Him heavily. Rely on Him forever. And “press forward with a steadfastness in Christ, having a perfect brightness of hope.” You are doing God’s work. You are doing it wonderfully well. He is blessing you and He will bless you, even—no, especially—when your days and your nights may be the most challenging." - Elder Jeffrey R. Holland

Well, that and more ice cream.

April Showers Bring CRAZINESS!!

Hello

How have you been?

Here? We have been B.U.S.Y.!!!!

I feel like the past few months, practically since the beginning of the year, have been us gearing up for what we knew would be a doozy of an April. There were yard and gardening projects we wanted to get done in time to get our early spring seeds planted. Robert had 2 conferences he was travelling for. Another whirlwind trip down to Mesa. Preston's graduation festivities. We expected the month to be a doozy, and boy howdy was it a doozy! Let's break it down by week, shall we?

Week 1:

March 30th: My nephew, Easton was born. I got to attend the birth. Such a privilege to witness such a sweet miracle!

March 31st-April 2nd: Robert had a conference at The Ohio State University

April 1st-2nd: My sister Breanna and her family came to visit.

Sweet Baby Maizy!

Week 2:

April 1st-5th: We prepped and started planting our garden.

Before

After

April 1st-6th: Easton was in the NICU so we tried to visit often and do what we could to help there.

April 9th-10th: We drove down to Mesa for our awesome friend, Lizzy's wedding and then back the next day.

Week 3:

PROJECTS!!! Every moment we could spare we lived and breathed yard work and housework. 

Before

After

Before

After

 April 16th: Was spent with Preston's help heaving a ton (literally) of stuff into a couple truckloads and hauling them to the dump.

Before

After

Week 4:

April 17th-20th: Get house in order for company.

April 21st-22nd: PRESTON'S GRADUATION!!!

Robert getting sleeping Lily snuggles during the graduation celebration dinner we hosted in our backyard.

Week 5:

April 25th-27th: Help Preston and Sharon pack and move all of their stuff to our place. 

April 28th-30th: Robert went to a conference in Maryland where he was officially certified an actuary!! 

April 29th: Mary graduated preschool. (WHAT?!?)

Until the 28th we weren't sure if Preston and Sharon were moving in to live with us for the summer, or if they were just storing their stuff here and moving to Mesa on the 30th. Preston didn't get final word on an internship opportunity here in Utah until the 28th. He sadly didn't get it, so they left on the 30th to move down to Arizona for an internship he got there.

Them driving away on their way to Arizona. :'(

April 30th: Picked up Robert from the airport and took the kids straight from there to a babysitter's while we capped off the crazy month going to the temple with some of my awesome cousins.

Add the fact that during all this I had the 3 extra kids that I watch (age 4, 2, and almost 4 months) 5 days a week and on a couple days I also watched Easton (7 kids 5 and under!!!) and Robert finished up teaching for the semester and giving finals and what not (FYI giving finals is easier than taking finals). Robert and I sat on the couch May 1st, took a deep breath, and said "We survived!"

Now what? Well, our lives are ALWAYS crazy, but we are looking forward to a little more flexibility in our schedule. Robert's schedule is more relaxed during the spring and summer semesters. Lydia has less than 3 weeks left of kindergarten (WHAT?!?) and then we'll all be on summer break and looking forward to the trips and visitors we have planned. In the meantime, we're hoping to be able to add some missed things back into our routine. Namely, blogging, vlogging, and exercising. Oh, and maybe getting caught up on laundry... maybe...

Hooray for May!

P.S. Less than 5 weeks til our trip to Italy!! AHHH!!!!

Quick Kid Update

Well, I already slacked on my "2 posts per week goal" by only doing 1 vlog on Sunday last week. Life is crazy busy. I'm babysitting 3 kids now, ages 4, 2, and 11 months, from 8-5 Monday-Friday. Lydia had her first dance recital. Kids have been sick. Robert and I have entered a 6 week weight loss challenge. Busy, busy, BUSY! But hopefully more posts on that later. For now, here's a little update on my kiddos.

James - 2 years and 2 months

 What can I say?? This kid has me completely wrapped around his little fingers. He is just such a sweet boy and a total charmer. I hate to say it (because my kids playing this contact sport terrifies me!), but he LOVES football. He has been doing this cute little thing lately where he'll put his hand down in a lineman stance (if that's what it's called) and say "Hut, hut, HIKE!" and try to tackle you. (Robert taught him). We're also seeing glimpses of this super goofball side of his personality developing that already gets us laughing until our sides hurt. He'll throw a terrible two year old tantrum with the best of them, but for the most part he is a very happy boy with a chuckle that could put a smile on the grumpiest person's face. As much as he tries to talk, he says very few words clearly which has me more and more worried, but we'll take that one day at a time and we'll get some kind of intervention soon if it comes to that.

Mary - 4 years 5 months

Sweet, soft-hearted, soft-spoken Mary! She is so smart. She'll overhear us working on Lydia's homework and be able to answer nearly every question faster and more correctly than Lydia a lot of the time. She likes to keep to herself and will rarely go up to a kid to ask to play, but she lights up if another kid takes the initiative and asks her. She will immediately refer to that kid as her new best friend. She loves to craft. She will spend hours on end coloring or doing carefully thought out Perler Bead designs. She still is able to turn tears on and off like a faucet, a talent she's had since she was a baby. The other night I asked her if she wanted to start dance classes like Lydia when she turned 5. Immediately, she burst into tears and said, "I just really want to do soccer!!!" She's currently still on break from preschool and can't wait for it to start back up again at the end of February.

Lydia - 5 years 8 months

There is no shortage of spunk and sass when it comes to Lydia. She is the one that tests my parenting skills and patience the most, but then she'll turn around and do something the makes me burst into tears over how loving or thoughtful it is. I also occasionally have days where she is the extra helpful, not self-centered person I hope I'm teaching her to be. So hopefully I'm doing some things right. We're currently deciding whether or not to put her into the Chinese Dual Language Immersion at her school next year. We worry it'll be a struggle for her academically maybe too much of a struggle, but she is set on doing it because ironically her closest friend in her kindergarten class IS Chinese and she wants to be able to communicate better with her. We're leaning towards doing it but still weighing all the pros and cons and praying about it, so we'll see what happens. She just did her first dance recital. She had a blast and looked adorable. Hopefully there will be another post about that soon. She's liking dance so much that we're thinking we may want to move her into the class that meets twice a week. Grade school, dance recitals - I can't believe she's already at this stage of life!!

These kids have my heart hook, line, and sinker!! They've made me a better person. I'm proud and thankful to be their Mommy!!

Christmas Letter 2015

Merry Christmas 2015

WE’VE MOVED!!

We are once again Provo, Utahns and no longer Santa Cruz, Californians. We are no longer students and have entered the real world. And we have a backyard! It’s kind of a big deal. 

Here’s what we are all up to:

James barely turned 2 in November and already weighs nearly as much as his two older sisters. He is all boy. He loves all sports with balls including basketball, football, soccer, and baseball, although he calls them all football. When he isn’t throwing a ball, he is either playing with his train set or cars or watching Mickey Mouse, especially the ones with cars or trains. His soft side is very evident, though, as he loves any regular family moments, such as prayers or scriptures, and begs for hugs and cuddles often. 

Mary is a very smart 4-year old. She is already reading easy books, asking math questions, constantly pointing out shapes and patterns, and remembering every fact we tell her. She is also very sensitive, which makes her very sweet, but can lead to some very funny moments when she tries so hard but cannot hold in her tears. She can spend hours building with her Duplo blocks or making Perler bead creations. 

Lydia is a social kindergartener. She loves going to school and playing with her friends. She is doing very well with her reading and schoolwork. She can be super duper crazy, but when she is in the right mood can be a great helper and example for her younger siblings. She loves playing all sorts of games with her family like Uno, Go Fish, or Freeze Tag. Coloring, painting pictures, and making Perler bead creations are some of her favorite 

creative activities. 

Heidi takes care of her children during the day and also watches an extra 10-month old child five days a week. She finished out our Santa Cruz era as a hall-of-fame Primary children’s chorister for our church and is now for the first time in 10 years NOT in a Primary calling. She has a couple of Relief Society callings in our new ward and is enjoying making new friends there. Having a larger home in Provo has kept her busy doing such things as pruning and weeding rose bushes, organizing all of our stuff, and in general making everything much more beautiful. 

Robert is now a full-time professor at Brigham Young University teaching statistics. He finished up his doctorate at UCSC in June by defending his thesis on Integro-Differential Equations in Spatio-Temporal Modeling, which included doing such things as modeling ozone pressure and predicting El Niño. He has been invited to present some of his research at a conference in Italy next summer. His kids think he is silly, smart, fun to play games with, and works hard.

Wishing you lots of love this holiday season,

THE RICHARDSONS

Written by: Dr. Bob

Dear mother of the boy behind me in the checkout line...

You did not have to be embarrassed about the comments he made to me. He looked about 10 years old, but from his lack of eye contact and constant fidgeting, I figure he's either on the autism spectrum or another social communication disorder. My brother and several nephews are on the spectrum, so not only am I used to it but since I live away from most of my family I find it especially endearing and heartwarming. You felt awful when he said I sounded like a man (I have a cold). And you shushed him and pulled him away when he said I must have not showered today because my hair looked greasy (he was right). But he TOTALLY made my day when the cashier said I'd saved $145 and he cheered "Mom, she's rich!!" and then proceeded to clap for me. So, sincerely, I love him!

In other news, I've been regularly couponing for a couple months now and I think I'm starting to get the hang of it. Between the in-store savings, catalinas, and rebate apps, I spent $129.05 and saved $156.63. It's not the most percentage I've saved on a shopping trip, but it was a BIG haul and the first time I didn't feel completely overwhelmed by it. Yay for learning and improving, and hooray for stretching dollars!