Robert's Cancun Trip

The first conference Robert presented his research at this summer was the ISBA (International Society for Bayesian Analysis) conference which was held in Cancun Mexico this year. He was gone from Monday morning to Saturday afternoon. It's the longest we've been apart since we were married.

Dropping him off bright and early at the airport.

Here are all the pictures Robert took while in Mexico with a few captions by him. 

Lots of huge lizards. Like squirrels in Santa Cruz,
like scorpions in Mesa. They're everywhere!

The best place I ate in Cancun. Hole in the wall stop
right off the Freeway. It was also very cheap!

Scale image of Tulum.

Lots of pics of the ruins. The main temple reminded me of the Mesa temple. 

Heidi's favorite picture

  

They are quite creative with toilet fresheners. They like soccer down there. 

[Interjection by Heidi: I asked Robert to take tons of pictures. This is the extent of them. The ruins and... the toilet. Real classy Robert!]

When I asked Robert how his presentation went I got this response: "Thanks! I did it, it went great. And I fielded a question from Chris Wikle. It's like if a basketball player got asked a question from Dwayne Wade. Not quite LeBron or Jordan, but more like Wade."
Such a classic Robert response. :)

While Robert was off in paradise, I was braving life as a single mom with all 3 kids. As a special treat for while Daddy was gone, I bought a set of 8 brightly colored nail polishes from Costco. I thought the girls would love picking out a couple colors for their hands and feet. I should have predicted that they'd want every color, as well as polka dots on their fingernails. It took a long time but they were in heaven, and the finished product was really fun.

Apparently the girls liked the polish a little too much. When I put the polish away, I had the thought "I should make sure I put this where they can't easily get it. So I put it up on a very high shelf inside a closet. The next day I drifted to sleep while feeding James a bottle for ten minutes TOPS. I went to check on the girls and disaster had struck!!

This is the tip of the iceberg!! They had dumped all of all 8 bottles. It was all over the carpet in their bedroom, then footprints down the hallway to the sink, all over the sink, walls, their hair, EVERYWHERE! It took forever to clean up. I still haven't gotten it completely out of the carpet. And this was just Robertless Day 2 of 6.

Luckily, I have an amazing friend and neighbor that helped keep me sane - Kristy. The night of the nail polish incident she brought me frozen yogurt. She suggested daily activities for us to do together each day Robert was gone. The park, the Koi pond, made and had us over for dinner one night, took the kids for 4 hours one day so I could rest. She is a rock star!

I've yet to get a picture of these three where at least one of
them isn't blurry. I will not give up!

I was in the thick of my darkest postpartum depression time leading up to Robert's trip. We (Robert, my mom, and I) were very worried for my well-being without Robert's support and some (Robert and my mom) were thinking maybe I should just go to Arizona with the kids for the rest of the summer. I was not a fan of being away from our home for that long. I filled Kristy in on the situation and she basically said, "Don't worry. I've got this." And boy did she ever! Don't know what I would have done without her.

The night Robert flew back he had an overnight layover in Mexico City (the tickets were a third the price that way). I was a nervous wreck! Robert's not exactly known for having much common sense. Unable to sleep, I stayed up all night watching classic movies.

Bing Crosby is the bomb. This is "Here Comes the Groom"

At 1:30am I started thinking maybe I was just being silly and should try to go to bed when I got the following texts from Robert completely justifying my worries--

1:30am(the earliest he could check in) - "I'm in the wrong terminal. There is transportation between but it is closed now and I don't have cash for a taxi. I'll have to find an atm somewhere."
1:35 - "I have plenty of time to figure it out, and to just walk there. I was confused about the terminal because my boarding has aeromexico on it, but Alaska is my airline." (which was clearly stated in bold letters in his confirmation and reminder emails)
1:45 - "I asked for directions in my limited Spanish. It almost worked. The lady did say the first bus would leave at 4 (Mexico time), so I will wait for it."
2:00 - "I found a bus, I'll get there. I have plenty time."
3:30 - "Funny story. I'm going through security but I had a few more detours. I will make it easily.
First of all, I found out when getting on the bus that it cost a dollar. I had none. So I spent ten bucks on the card for a taxi.
Also, when coming here I had a paper I filled out for immigration. They looked at it, tore most of it off, and let me through. Nowhere was I ever given the impression that I needed to keep it. It cost another 40 bucks and a half hour waiting in line at the immigration office.
But through security now with plenty of time."

No sleep for me!
But after all that he made it on his plane and back home to me.

Reunited and it feels so good!

The girls made this poster to hold at the
airport. Truly an art masterpiece ;)

Robert got the girls maracas. They were pretty excited
about them, and so glad to have their Daddy back.

The next ISBA is in 2016 in Italy. There's no way Robert is going there without me! Ciao! ;)

Robert's Birthday

Mid-July Robert turned the ripe old age of 27. We spent the day doing a few of his favorite things.

Lunch as a family at Pizza My Heart

A few rounds at the batting cages with 2 of his
greatest fans looking on.

Robert's favorite cake is German Chocolate Cake. The girls chose the puppy shaped cake pan to cook it in, so we decided that it was a German "Shepherd" Chocolate Cake.

The birthday boy!

The response to my last post about the postpartum depression was overwhelming. I received hundreds of comments, emails, texts, phone calls, and private messages of encouragement, advice, and questions, all of which were filled with love. I'm still working on replying to all of them. Many commented on how amazing I am. I'm grateful for the compliments, but the unsung hero by far is Robert. He has been so helpful, patient, and kind through this whole ordeal. He is a perfect example of Christlike love. Loving me even though, no, ESPECIALLY when I'd be so angry towards him and depressed. He proves over and over again how special of a man he is. He's the hardest worker I've ever encountered. Sleeping maybe just 4 hours a night every night, he spends every minute working on his research, doing the dishes, preparing his seminary lessons, tending to the kids, plus a million other things. He never asks for a break or complains. He puts the Energizer bunny to shame.

I love him more than I ever knew I could love someone, and that love increases every day.

Happy birthday Robert!! The kids and I would be completely lost without you!

Like a Broken Vessel

You're lost. A dark cloud is constantly threatening to strangle you into a feeling of complete worthlessness. You're a horrible friend, a boring person, a bad mom, and don't deserve your husband. As hard as you try you feel you're failing in every aspect of your life. You're exhausted despite getting 8-10+ hours of sleep every day, or there's 2-3 day stretches where insomnia keeps you from sleeping at all. You're starving even though you're always eating. All insecurities and anxieties you've ever had seem to have multiplied and intensified tenfold. You go to social gatherings or church and are sobbing by the time you get home because how awkward you feel you were. So next time you stay home from a gathering and sob because you're a loser that's let your friends or family down. Since adding a new baby to the family you feel overwhelmed, but it's more than that. You feel incapable, like you don't have the ability to meet the needs and demands asked of you even though you've stepped down from as many responsibilities as possible.

Sometimes you're able to keep these thoughts and feelings at bay. They're always there, but you're able to conceal it and put up a positive front. And you feel you must conceal it because it's weakness and you feel ashamed of that weakness and all these feelings that are a result of it. Besides no one has time for you. Even if they did why would they listen to YOU. Then there are the other times when you're sent into a downward spiral, triggered by something major, like financial hardship, or very minor, like a one word off-the-cuff comment from a family member or an overcooked meal. No matter the trigger, down you spiral, feeling guilty you are having any of these feelings which only makes you spiral faster. Down so far that you think everyone - your friends, family, children, and husband - would be better off if you just went away and didn't come back. All the while there is a little voice in your head telling you to stop it!

BUT YOU JUST CAN'T!
You're broken.

For me, this has been my past 8 months.

This is postpartum depression.

I didn't realize that that's what it was until a few weeks ago. July 5th to be exact. I was at the bottom of what seems to be my worst and longest spiral so far possibly triggered by our car and financial troubles, and was falling to pieces over the littlest things. I had stayed up most of the night sobbing and fighting this internal struggle to not just leave. Walk in the dead of night straight into the forest, and keep walking until noone could find me. I thought by that morning I had a sensible grasp on things again. "Buck up, get over it, and move on," I would think to myself. Then I was telling Robert the millions of thoughts that were floating in my head of what to do for Singing Time at church the next day and that I was having a hard time focusing on any of them because they all sounded lame or boring. Robert said, "Maybe you should just do something really simple?" A harmless comment, but it sent me reeling and I immediately lashed out at Robert.

"I'm doing the best I can! Why would you say that?" I spat back at him. And my thoughts raced: I've lost my creative fire. I know! I'm an awful chorister and can't remember the last time I did a good job. Robert should just take over my calling, at least for this Sunday. Maybe for forever. He would do a better job than me. ANYONE could do a better job than me. I should ask to be released, but what would be the point of that. I'd be even worse at any other calling...

Then I stopped, looked at Robert, and just sobbed. I was sitting on the ground and he sat on the couch behind me and hugged me for a minute before I sobbed out, "What is wrong with me? I'm Heidi! I'm a confident, talented, and positive person. So why does EVERYTHING make me feel like this??" And with nothing but love and empathy in his voice Robert said, "Heidi, I think you have depression."

My first instinct was to lash defensively back, but after not even 2 seconds processing the thought I responded, "That's EXACTLY what this is, and it started right after James was born. This is postpartum depression!" I didn't deal with this after either of my girls, so it wasn't even on my radar and up until this point I had chalked my feelings up to just being overwhelmed at the jump to 3 kids since EVERYONE warns that that's the hardest jump. But this is much more than just being overwhelmed. You're self-worth and reasoning to try to be happy is gone!

So what now? Now that we've identified it as what it is it makes it easier to deal with, because I'm not just a horrible person that's going crazy. This is something we can work on fixing. I've opened up to my mom, Robert's mom, a couple friends, an aunt, and a sister about it. That alone has made all the difference. Talking about it and not keeping it bottled up all of the time until I explode. I've also been using some essential oils, mainly frankincense and some citrus blends, and doing yoga (I never thought I'd see the day that I'd be trying yoga regularly) which I think is giving me an extra boost. To take a little stress out of my day I've weaned James off his pumped breast milk bottles and onto formula. This is bittersweet, but it needed to be done. You might remember I was exclusively pumping and feeding James from bottles because of his tongue tie. I think no matter the circumstance, when you stop breastfeeding you'll always experience a bit of sadness from the loss of that connection.

I have not seen my doctor, and as long as I continue to improve I don't plan to. It is my hope that with everything I'm doing and working on now, as well as my hormones hopefully getting closer to being back in check with the return of my cycle since I've stopped pumping, that this will be behind us before too long. But for now we are taking it a day at a time.

So why write this post? Honestly, I don't really know. I just was feeling the pressing need to do so. Maybe it's just a concrete way for me to get my thoughts out and reflect on them. Maybe it's so that I can with detail recall this time in the future when my daughters are struggling with the same thing. Maybe it's to publicly post it to help someone random. If that's the case, I'm not quite ready to post this for the world to see. Maybe soon, maybe not. If that's what needs to be done, it'll happen when it happens.

The title of this post references a talk by Elder Jeffrey R. Holland of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints given less than a year ago during the October 2013 General Conference. When first talking about this depression to my mom, she recommended I read the talk through again. I love the following paragraph in it:

"So how do you best respond when mental or emotional challenges confront you or those you love? Above all, never lose faith in your Father in Heaven, who loves you more than you can comprehend. As President Monson said to the Relief Society sisters so movingly last Saturday evening: “That love never changes. … It is there for you when you are sad or happy, discouraged or hopeful. God’s love is there for you whether or not you feel you deserve [it]. It is simply always there.” Never, ever doubt that, and never harden your heart. Faithfully pursue the time-tested devotional practices that bring the Spirit of the Lord into your life. Seek the counsel of those who hold keys for your spiritual well-being. Ask for and cherish priesthood blessings. Take the sacrament every week, and hold fast to the perfecting promises of the Atonement of Jesus Christ. Believe in miracles. I have seen so many of them come when every other indication would say that hope was lost. Hope is never lost. If those miracles do not come soon or fully or seemingly at all, remember the Savior’s own anguished example: if the bitter cup does not pass, drink it and be strong, trusting in happier days ahead."

I am striving to remember God's love and believe in miracles and hold on to the hope that with faith I will regain control and return, however slowly, to my positive self once again. Time and time again the Lord has seen me through my trials. He will not leave me comfortless!

And now after a little further contemplation I feel I need to post this today. So maybe somebody out there needs to hear this, I don't know. If you struggle with some of these same feelings (and PPD effects everyone differently so it may not be exactly the same for you), please talk to someone - your mom, other moms, friends, your doctor, a support group, anyone. It made a world of difference for me, maybe it will for you too.

  Please don't look at this post as a desperate cry for help from me. I'm already doing much better, and I've got an amazing support system behind me, and even if I didn't I will ALWAYS have God's love. And you do too! We are so blessed!

Instagram Revisited - June

6/4/2014 - This is what we have to resort to when our neighbor's kid
who is a major biter is over. #desperatetimes #desperatemeasures

6/5/2014 - Throwback to last Thursday when we were having the time
of our life at Disneyland and Robert took his first selfie ever
#tbt #ilovedisneyland #ilovemyhubby

6/6/2014 - Balloon rockets = perfect entertainment for 3 (1 not pictured)
preschoolers. Sometimes I'm a cool mom/babysitter #supersitters

6/7/2014 - Congrats Macias Family @maciasmama !! Such a
beautiful day! #familiesareforever #ilovetoseethetemple

6/9/2014 - This stack is my "to do" pile. Oh household paperwork! How I loathe thee!!

6/11/2014 - This little man is days away from being 7 months and had his
6 month appointment yesterday. 23 pounds, 29.5 inches, 48cm head -
above 99th percentile in all measurements. He's scooting all over the place,
eating solids like a champ, and sleeping through the night the majority of the
time. He's the best baby! I'm so glad he's ours! #ilovemykids

6/11/2014 - These kids! Day to day they are my greatest blessings, trials,
frustrations, and joys. #parenthood #ilovemykids

6/12/2014 - #tbt to when we tried to get a good picture of us at the temple
on Saturday. #ilovemyfamily

6/13/2014 - Between his shots, teething, and maybe catching a bug that's
going around - this kid hasn't been himself today. Hasn't complained much.
He's just been laying down like this all day long. #tooprecious #ilovemykids

6/14/2014 - Sometimes Robert turns on the wrong burner. This happened a
month or two ago. It may have angered me a little at the time. Now it makes
me giggle every time I see it. #dontcryovermeltedbinders #ilovemyhubby

6/14/2014 - I think it's safe to say I've mastered the art of the full Windsor.
Ready for my Father's Day singing time. #ilovemycalling

6/16/2014 - Operation: Get ready for 2 week trip to Utah/Idaho is
in full effect and has overtaken my home

6/17/2014 - This little imp has discovered that we have no choice but to
pull over and let her try to go potty if she says she needs to go. 3rd attempt
with no results. #stinker #roadtrippin #ilovemykids

6/19/2014 - He's a fun dad :) #ilovemyhubby

6/20/2014 - Playing at parks and the duck pond, bowling and ice cream at
BYU, J-Dawgs... I'd say this vacay is off to a great start #roadtrippin #utah

6/24/2014 - Hiked the Y this morning. We made it all the way...
to turn 2 #Aforeffort #roadtrippin #utah #ilovemyfamily

6/25/2014 - Road Trip: Part 2 - Idaho here we come! #roadtrippin
#idaho #yellowstoneorbust

ROAD TRIP!! Part 2 - Idaho

It's been a dozen years since my family has tried to do a trip together. Around Christmas, I don't even know who started the conversation, but we talked about doing a trip this summer, and someone brought up reserving a cabin in Island Park, Idaho and going to Yellowstone. Right away we talked about dates that would work and we were off. My sister, Emily, did all the footwork in finding and booking a place. Katie put together a schedule. Everybody pitched in, and it just came together. My oldest sister Christi and her family wasn't able to make it (many tears have been shed over this by all) but everyone else - parents, kids, spouses, and grandkids - except my niece, Sasha, was able to make it. It was so great!!

And now we've reached the point I often get to when I'm doing big updates on the blog that I'm getting tired of typing. Haha! So I'm going to try to let the pictures speak for themselves with some interjections and captions here and there.

Grandma Lyman's house in Rexburg with my Daddy

These 2 were so cute with each other the whole time. When Mary talks
about Annabelle now she refers to her as "My favorite cousin Annabelle."
This is them playing their favorite game Superhero Annabelle and Super
Spiderman Mary. Too cute!!!

To get the kids calmed down from all the excitement the first night
Aunt Sissa gave them light up rings and put on a movie.

Fun on the ATVs

This game of Pick was the most hilarious I've ever played. AAIEEE!

Yellowstone!!

  

I did not zoom in at all to take this picture! They were swimming across the
lake and coming up on the bank right by us. It was AMAZING! And it was
so cool to watch them work together to carry the babies over.

Small World!! This is our friend that we met in our ward in
Santa Cruz but she and her family moved to Utah a year ago.
We tried to work out getting together while we were in Provo
but it didn't work out. And then we randomly ran into her in the
middle of  Yellowstone. Her name is Brittni  Baer, so we joke that we
saw a Baer in Yellowstone and she took a selfie with us.

This is back at the cabin. We saw this mom and her calves several times.

The 3 August 2011 babies completely enthralled by Frozen
and singing "Let It Go" together. I don't have the video that
others took, but I need to get it because it's adorable. Especially Bryson!

The night before we started the journey home we had a little devotional with everyone, and it was great. Towards the end, Mary came onto my lap facing me and cuddled into me. We said a closing prayer and literally right after we said, "Amen," Mary threw up all over me (the second wave of her stomach bug). One of those truly classic moments as a parent, but a couple days later she was back to her normal self, and we got this great video in Rexburg.

Classic!! Then, aside from one sleepover in Boise at Katie and Mike's house for a night, we then came home. It's been 3 weeks. During that time Robert spent a week in Cancun. Maybe I'll convince him to do a post on that sometime.

Meanwhile we leave on our next trip TOMORROW! This trip will include Pinetop, Snowflake, Mesa, Christopher Creek, and Boston. It's going to be CRAZY!